Its been almost a year since I last posted but due to a recommendation someone has made I would like to share how I got to a much stronger self this year 2014.
Around christmas time 2013, life got really hard, my parents inevitably found out I was gay; my dad was more open to the idea than my mum so she tried to get me to search for a way to “pray the gay away”. At around this time my self-hate levels were skyrocketing and I was self harming at least on average 2-3 times a week it got even worse when my parents found out I felt like I could never speak to my mum again and I wanted to die everyday.
Then one night my mum and I got into an argument about me self harming but fortunately we realised how much we loved each other and how heartbroken my mum was at me physically hating myself. She told me also that she would never treat me differently after I told her I was gay even if she didn’t agree with it. So what I really love my mum for was that she never treated my any differently and loves me to this day. I knew however how she really didnt like the thought of me being gay because she sent me videos of ex-gay people and how they now live a more holy life and all that crap(no offence to my mum) and occasionally we had arguments about gay marriage or just being gay.
Now around this time my religion christianity was definitely losing its grip as the last time I prayed was probably the late summer of that year and after reading about people who left christianity my anger at christianity grew. By the end of 2013, I realised that I don’t give a f*** about religion anymore.. I still believed in God but in a religious context he didn’t exist. I realised that christianity is just one worldview of many. I decided to identify myself as a Deist who is someone who believes in a God but doesnt believe in religion which is man made and doesnt have the full truth.
Finally the shackles of this mental oppression that I had for about 3 years started to fall off. On Boxing Day, I was at my grandma’s house celebrating christmas and then an impulse came over me. I decided to put my shoes on, drag my cousin with me and run all the way down the middle of my grandma’s road. The feeling was amazing. Me and my cousin were just laughing our heads off as I ran down the road acting like a bird and waving at the bus driving past me. I was free, alive and young. At that point I had an epiphany that I was born with one life to live and I want to live it the way I wanted to without any ideologies racking my brain. I wanted to be a teenager again and be adventurous, make stupid mistakes and just be free.
It was that Boxing day, even though it wasnt new years eve, was the real start of my NEW YEAR.